Lindsay Lohan: When Cokeheads Get Dumped

Read that headline. Indeed! Lindsay Lohan, once a promising actress, is now basically a public messcake. Someone the tabloids and blogs can faithfully report on daily – detailing her adventures in pigging for attention, looking starved and high in public, faking that she likes the V, and generally just being the Head Asshole in the fame victims club.

Recently, her “girlfriend” Samantha Ronson (who I generally see as someone who was smart enough to latch onto Lindsay’s downfall to improve her DJ money game) decided that the money wasn’t worth fiddling with a delusional narcissist high on everything but the furniture polish. So she called it quits on Freckle Juice.

Last weekend, she played her fashion designer sister’s JC Penny launch party (classy) and Lohan was kept out by five security guards. And it was the beginning of the next phase of Lohan’s shitty life – Dumped Dyke. In the interview with US, she says that everyone in Hollywood has turned on her. This is the best part:

She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, b—h.”

First of all, “uck” is my new favorite putdown. Thank you, Lionel Richie’s adopted bitch. When the cable guy comes today, if he has bad news about my Tivo box, I’m going to say “uck” and show him the door. Nicole Richie has always given off that air of being the Twat of Twats. I used to feel bad for her when she was slightly porky and had this grin that made me think she had a bit of a stir in her brains. But then she stopped eating, and you would read about incidents in which she would fixate on other girls’ weight and call them fat as the ultimate insult. That makes her Douche LaRoux to me.

And Adriana from The Sopranos has apparently traded her mob moll situation for gutter princess shit. Come at me, bitch? Is this Reform School Girls? Was Wendy O’Williams at the next table chewing with her mouth open? This is alternately hilarious and depressing. Can you imagine Tina Louise hissing “come at me, bitch” at Mamie Van Doren back in the day? These are our cultural icons?

But even Hollywood must have tired of Lindsay coking around, and acting like Patsy Stone coming out of the back of the ambulance to the soothing lights of a million flashes when they’re trying to finish their sushi. They’ll be friends with her again next week when she lands a guest-spot on Better Off Ted.

In the meantime, Lohan’s broke ass (she has recently complained that no one will hire her. Unless she fixes them up with her powder dealer.) will stagger about and live to irritate another day. She’ll eventually have to do a reality show. Hopefully the entire thing is her jittering around and stalking Samantha and discussing non-existent film and poetry projects. The season finale involves cops Tasering her ass on Ronson’s front lawn as she coke-yodels “Do you know who I am? I was in Freaky Friday!” My friggin’ Tivo better be fixed by then.

Please satiate your need for funny pictures of coke freaks with the gallery below:

People used to just hand this coked-up tangelo wads of cash for doing very little. I know. It pains me, too.

Tags: Cokeheads, Crazy ass bitches, Drea De Matteo, Gay, Irritating people, Lindsay Lohan, Mess, Nicole Richie, Samantha Ronson, That horrible Lohan family, Unhappy people