I think I’ve made this analogy before, but this next letter is totally going to make me look like Loni Anderson on WKRP in that episode where they gave her the advice show and she got that one chick beaten up by her husband and she was devastated. In this next letter, the chick just had a baby and feels that she’s over the husband! Already! If I say the wrong thing, this fellow’s going to end up renting a bachelor pad and paying for a child that he resents! It’s like a test from the gods! I am comforted by the fact that A) no one’s actually going to take my advice, they just read this dullard manifesto for laughs and B) if she actually wants me (a vapid layabout) to give her advice on this totally serious problem, she has more issues than a husband who no longer does it for her.
Oh, and in celebration of this issue, I give to you one of my favorite ballads about discontented mothers and regimented wives:
Charlene was hot. But I was taken aback – that song’s from the 80s?!?!? It totally said 1977 to me. Anyway, here’s S:
I’ve been married to my hubby going on two years now and we’ve recently had a baby (3 1/2 months old and gorgeous). He and I have been together for thirteen years in October now, so he and I have our fair share of war wounds and scars we like to compare with other couples. Ok, so now that the history has been shared, here is the deal, I don’t think I’m in love with him any more. Not since the baby have I even been willing to sleep with him, much less do the do. A lot of moms say that it’s totally normal to feel this way, but honestly? I’m a big fan of the whole sexing bit. It used to be this fantabulous aerobic bedroom act between us, but lately? not so much. I’ve probably got a special reserved room in hell for this, but he just does nothing for me any more. I look at him and think, ‘eh, at least he has good hair’. I care for him, he’s a good friend, but love? I think that flame died out in the middle of my pregnancy, which was the worst time to realize it. Also, he’s been diagnosed with clinical depression and basically I’ve been his momma for the last six months. Usually I’m caring and loving and will jump to make him happy but nowadays I just don’t give a shit anymore. He’s finally found his medication balance which makes him sane again, but it was such a hard, rough road to get here that I’m not exactly happy with him anymore. I don’t hate him, but I really don’t think I want to be his partner anymore. Problem is, I don’t know if maybe this is just me being hormonally miserable or if it’s really how I feel, and if it’s the latter, how do I tell him?? Our lives are so intertwined now (purchased new appliances cause the old ones died) that separating is going to be hell. How can I communicate with someone who I’ve basically grown with without seeming a bitch? We don’t sleep in the same room together anymore (I sleep in the living room with the baby under the pretense that I want him to get his rest) and the last time we had sex was so long ago I forgot what it even looks like! Help!
This is some Dr. Phil type shit, S! Where’s my hick accent and revolting personna? Well, my first thought when reading this was that you might have postpartum depression. I know nothing about it other than what Brooke Shields has taught me and when Robin Scorpio got it on GH. You get really cranky and don’t want anything to do with anyone the second the baby leaves your womb. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of stressors in your life and having a depressive husband isn’t a day at the circus unless that circus consists of dude waking up at 3 PM, never washing his dishes and whacking off to the point of chafing. Depression hurts. Add a newborn on to that!
They make meds for that and you can talk to someone about it. Have his ass watch that baby for once so you can take some healing time!
You liked him enough to let him impregnate you. Could someone being ill for that long really turn you off of them romantically, especially when you loved him enough to marry him? I sense resentment because you’ve had to be the rock for everyone and now you’re like – what about me? I shoved a human being out of me and this is the thanks I get? Taking care of two kids? His ‘Zac better have kicked in or you might have been one of those women to drive everyone into the lake.
Don’t just dump his ass. Talk to him. Explain how you feel. Try to be as honest with each other as possible. He probably senses that you’re feeling like you’re wanting to jump ship. Perhaps one of the grandparents or a trusted someone could watch the kid while you two maybe take a weekend away to get right with each other and try to recapture the spark? You could like use one of those breast pumps to stock up on milk for when you’re away. That stuff keeps right?
But, if it IS the end, make it snappy. The kid is like a tiny drooling pebble of unaware and if you call it off now, it won’t experience the pain of divorce. If you milk it, it’s going to end up in the kid being sad, possibly resentful and pulling that trick in which you say you’ll be over at Dad’s when you’re really out getting trashed on Schlitz and getting balled at the reservoir.
If you or anyone else you know needs advice, please send your missives to harvey.advice@gmail.com or jasereraser@gmail.com OR to my Facebook message box.
May 27, 2009 at 1:34 pm |
“getting trashed on Schlitz and getting balled at the reservoir.” – OMG!!!! Were you actually following me on Saturday night, WATCHING?!?!? I’m going to be sick!
May 27, 2009 at 8:06 pm |
I’m willing to bet a lot of my savings this is how 90% of couples who have kids feel. Hell, I feel like this and I don’t have offspring.
Maybe your body feels like it has “done it’s job” and now you’re finished…at least for a while, perhaps?
Give yourself time. You’re not alone. This is why knitting was invented.
May 28, 2009 at 12:01 pm |
Are you willing to work with him to improve your relationship? I think you should give it a shot. 13 years is a long time. Most of that time had love and good sex.
Just talk with him. Don’t worry about coming across as a bitch. State your feelings and see how it goes.
If the two of you believe you could have happier lives without each other, don’t let appliances get in the way. That sounds like an excuse.
May 28, 2009 at 2:24 pm |
I have to agree with J. on the whole divorce earlier is easier on kids sentiment. But, OCT is right, as always, when she says that you need to try and work on this thing before throwing up your hands and giving up. The type of medication your partner is on also affects sex drive, so combine that with your lack of lust for the peen and you’ve got Siberia in the way of sex. Give the baby to a trusted relative and go to a B&B overnight. I know the magic won’t happen magically, but maybe with some Viagra and mutual massages you will find that you can still reach great heights with each other. This simple fact may be enough to help you work through your problems. It’s worth a shot. 13 years is a very long time.
May 28, 2009 at 4:48 pm |
YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY YOU DIDNT MARRY CHRIS BROWN
June 3, 2009 at 11:23 am |
[...] this one HAS to be fake. Last week was bad enough when the chick asked me if she should take the baby and run from the down daddy. [...]