Note: I have not viewed last night’s ep, yet, so there are no spoilers for that one but there are for the rest.
On the advice of friends and some J. Harvey fans, I gave Bravo’s Project Runway successor The Fashion Show a whirl. The TV conscious among you will note that ProjRun is heading to Lifetime to clothe Army Wives and Melissa Gilbert next season, so Bravo had to scramble. And despite it being a sad and desperate attempt to hang onto those ProjRun fans, it’s kinda working for me. For a couple of reasons.
1) The designers mostly suck and yet, are totally arrogant and cunty.
For real, some of these floppy members can’t even sew! But they will surely cut each other up every two seconds in the confessional! I like that! Fake it til’ you make it! “Damn, I can’t even attach this button, but that little Russian lady’s upper lip is so hairy she could use that as a fabric. Damn! *snaps*”
Seriously, it’s like in scraping the bottom of the designers-who-couldn’t-even-get-hired-as-an-extra-in-the-back-of-Mood-during-a-shoot-on-ProjRun barrel, they came up with a crowd of Skexies who have nothing to lose and it’s coming out as pure hatred for each other. Click on the link, and let’s look at my favorites haters.
Johnny - Smelly-looking samurai bear with a whiny-ass voice and pouty attitude.
This bitch here. First off, I just want to take a wire scrub brush and go over him from head to toe with hot and soapy water, because all I can imagine is that there’s the smell of BO, ciggies, and chocolate frosting emanating from this heifer. With the realization that all designers are crazy and completely meglomaniacal, Johnny still causes skin to crawl and eyes to roll with his penchant for weird floral fabric and tendency to sulk when he gets critiqued. In fact, in the episode when he dared Issac to send him home in a pouty cake-eating voice after Issac dared to not like his ugly creation, every mo and lady watching screamed “DO IT!” Send him back to complaining that there’s not enough chicken in his tenders entree and sniffing at people and wearing big circus tents.
Daniella - Complain, Complain, Complain.
Wah! “His head’s in the way so I can’t see the dress to sketch it!” Wah! “I’ve never made a dress for a fat bitch!” Wah! “He stole my design!” Daniella is the queen of excuses and complaints. Wouldn’t you hate to be her waiter? The beret enthusiast is never pleased. Maybe that’s what drives her. The judges and audience tend to enthuse over her designs, but to me (and I shop down at the Old Navy so I know these things) everything is dark and drab. I know that’s her noir aesthetic or whatever, but turn that frown upside down. Her and Anna form what I like to call “The See You Next Tuesdays.” There’s not an episode that passes where The Complaintant and the sunken-eyed, vitamin-deficient Anna aren’t eyeing everyone else’s designs and mewling that someone is getting some sort of advantage over them. Eyes on your own paper, witches! Daniella needs to step outside of herself for a couple of seconds and just compete and stop with the braying. Even Norma Kamali says so. The veteran designer schooled her ass on the virtue of keeping your mouth shut and embodying that discretion is the better part of valor in your career. And did it while looking Alexis Colby Carrington hot in dark glasses.
James Paul - Ew, flesh.
This one here made an enemy of me with his reaction to being asked to design a garment for the “Real Women” (which is a bizarre, yet typical all-caps group title for actual women who aren’t models). This Gaysian bitch acted like Issac had told him he had to be the target dummy for the Beijing fisting team. The sputtering alone. Despite my fondness for this ho’s designs, he apparently wants to dress paper-thin cyborgs and not actual humans. His model during that challenge had a butt and boobs and James Paul made like he had to clothe those ladies who are attached at the face and the shorter one rides that tall stool on wheels. He compared it to God having to clothe Satan. You are a penis, sir. Why not just be an artist and hang your futuristic pleat concoctions on walls? I want one of those roller derby girls they have to roll up and punch him in pissy little pussy face.
Merlin - The magic's in the indiscernible accent and horrifying personality.
My first exposure to the jumpsuit-wearing browniehound was exactly the same as everyone else’s. You wanted to rip the feather off his fool head and have him deported to whatever gay South American Speedoland he hailed from. And then he started calling everyone “bitches” and wearing babushkas and saying “male domination. Get it girl!” His putdowns don’t even make sense! Daniella’s a woman! How is she going to get male domination? There are no testicles under her beret! (Btw, her comeback of “male?” made me begrudgingly like her for a millisecond.) But then slowly…well, The Boyfriend liked him from the get-go. It might have been because of this:
Just respect the turban and the various poses. Also, The Boyfriend cracks up whenever he comes on screen and he has an adorable laugh, so I can deal with Merlin. For now. Until he wears a t-shirt and panties again. Ick Nast. And last but not least:
We get it. You can sew.
Reco is sort of a charter member of the See You Next Tuesdays, but not really because he’s black and Daniella and Anna are total bigots. Kidding. Actually, he’s so insecure that his tendency to flit around screaming that he’s already done and how ugly the other contestants clothes are can wear on a broad. The truth is, he’s probably one of the few designers there who has even Clue #1 as to what he’s doing. When that poof Markus was all “Uh, I went to design school, but they didn’t really focus on sewing..,” I was like…so they just depended on Velcro and said fuck it? What kind of school is that? Reco and his attitude can sew, and make a presentable stripper garment. Once you tell me that you fed and clothed whores, I’m pretty much in your corner despite its obnoxious wallpaper. I will say this, though. He does remind of ProjRun’s Mychael Knight (remember he added the “y” after he made the final three? You know, Captain Save-A-Ho?) because I believe Knight also designed for strippers (no, not because he’s black, dicks) and did wonderfully through the competition but then his “Urban Safari” finale drove off the African plain and into a gator pit where his ugly hot pants and slut tops were devoured by reptiles. Time will tell.
2) The hosts (in spite of Kelly Rowland).
Issac Mizrahi is kind of made for TV, and has done very little to cast himself as Asshole Judge. In fact, he’s kind of a no-nonsense ringmaster who seems to want to see this pack of assholes do better. He has the rep. Despite designing for Target (the death knell of fashion relevancy), he was hot fashion shite for awhile, and thus knows what he’s talking about. Also, that icy Laura Brown chick needs to bump Rowland and take over. She’s the cranky eclipse to Issac’s positivity and is cunty enough to deserve her own spot.
As for Rowland….can you tell me why she’s there? She went to a fashion show once? And uh, she wears clothes? She owns belts? Basically, she’s doing it for the check and fine, but she could at least have her own subset of House of Dereon or something so she has a valid reason to be there other than that she’s pretty and used to have to stare at Beyonce’s big ass from the back during concerts. This screams of a move on Bravo’s part to eventually snag Bidet for a finale. Bidet will wear your outfit on stage! Maybe. She will be photographed near it. While eating.
3) The challenges.
The main challenges are nothing we haven’t seen on ProjRun before, but it’s kind of interesting how the mini ones test the skill of designers in construction and their actual knowledge of fashion. And reveal them as useless and horrible designers! Angel, why is there always a zipper hanging off your model or a safety pin? I am an artist! Yeah, but this shite here is a design show, you shaved headed weirdo!
In conclusion, I think this show might give ProjRun a run for its money. They are at least going to have to get some new challenges. I don’t want to see anybody running through Wal*Mart and gamely trying to find contact paper to make into a bra. Heidi needs to step her shite up. This might be the new thing. Because who the hell wants to watch Lifetime if The Golden Girls aren’t on?
June 15, 2009 at 11:30 am |
I have to watch this show. There’s not much else going on with the TV this summer, and heaven knows I can’t justify watching the Real Housewives of anywhere. So, Isaac needs to lose the canned “bye bye darling” and these designers need to learn what a camera does, but all in all I find it entertaining. I like to see creativity in action, and once in a while wouldn’t it be great to see what they could do if they were actually given time to think about their projects?