Pride: Ten Gay Things

Pride just the way I like it - fat, ridiculous, ass-baring and complete with headband.

Tomorrow is Gay Pride here in the city of Boston. And, although I am currently feeling like hell in the head and throat, I wanted to celebrate the day all of us gays….go to a fair-to-middling parade (needs more leather daddies and less strollers), and then…usually drink at a block party and trick with some random that you’re going to ignore the next time you see him….wow, pride….where was I? Oh yeah, I wanted to present a neat top ten list! Because people love lists! Especially gays! Pick up an Entertainment Weekly sometime! I thought I would list Ten Gay Things! Keep reading because I’m sure to offend someone because most of the things I list are usually considered straight. HAH!

Gay.

10. Wrestling. Wrestling is crazy gay. It’s two dudes rolling around on a cushiony mat together with their genitals and buttocks barely encased in skintight spandex. Face sitting, crotch grabbing and one guy starts off on his hands and knees in anticipation. Don’t even get me started on the “professional” version. And any straight guy who defends wrestling as a sport is gay. This is all just sublimation.

Gay. Christ, the moustache alone...

9. Politicians and religious people who have a problem with gays are gay. For real. Remember this lady? This dude from Uganda is a total fag, and apparently a scat queen at that. And the newest and truest is Rev. George Alan Rekers, a rabidly antigay Baptist minister who said he hired a boi from rentboy.com to “carry my luggage” on a 10 day Bermuda vacation. It’s pretty much a sure bet that the people complaining the most about it usually have a dick in their mouth behind the motel room door.

GAY house party.

8. Cooking is gay. If you cook, you’re gay. I know this because I was home (when you get fired, you stay home) and this ho was on my screen vee fixing some Mexican food. And there was a scene in which she kissed her husband(?) goodbye. And then a bunch of queens came over to enjoy her Mexi-treats and drink pineapple margaritas and play Bridge. BRIDGE! Gay. Oh, and when I say “enjoy her Mexi-treats” I don’t mean they had a gang bang. She’s not Mexican as far as I know and everyone was gay.

Gay. I have that bandanna.

7. This guy is gay. I like him because he’s gay and I bet his ass is white and flabby. I like that. Totes gay. I mean the guy on the right. Affleck can’t be gay. He’s from Boston. I’m the only gay in Boston as far as I know. Plus he directed Gone Baby Gone and that movie is all man.

Old cranky lady hating having a black president = gay.

6. The Tea Party movement. SO fucking gay. SOFUCKINGGAY. All that undercurrenty resentment because a Negro is in charge. For reals. That undercurrenty resentment is totally clocking dick in the bushes in the Fens. I mean look at the colorful signs. And her glasses are extremely gay. If I had vision problems (cum DOES burn out your retinas eventually, FACT) I would wear those.

Gay. And delicious.

5. Wine is gay. Whenever I have a glass of wine, I love to get the glass with the very deep bowl but hopefully only get poured only so much. And the composition of the deep burgandy wine within the clear glass makes me feel very centered and very gay. In fact, I picture myself as a fancy lady holding the glass of wine with relaxed determination and looking classy. Often I will hold it just so while I have a conversation. It is the ultimate accessory. Wine is deeply gay. Wine’s parents have known it was gay since it was in kindergarden.

Gay. Gay ladies love hats.

4. Toby Keith is gay. Look at the outfits. And the pursed lips. And he’s always got his shirt open. And he dresses up as a Dixie Chick before he has to change back into his Larry the Cable Guy togs to go play the show that night. I love this bar, too, Tobe. This GAY bar.

Gay. This show is gay. Like his hair.

3. Television is gay. Just turn it on. There should be ads for dildos on ABC it’s so gay. I don’t mean just Modern Family or your Real Housewives or the above guy who stars in the queerest fuckfest on TV. I’m talking NCIS. Mark Harmon is playing a FLAMING queen. Every time he comes on the screen to solve a Scooby-Doo military mystery, his flamboyance makes me feel like I just finger-banged a chick and let my asshole buddies smell my fingers he’s so gay. How come I always think NCIS and JAG are the same show? Cuz’ they are? Repeating the same show is gay.

They had fucking better well be gay. Or my life was for naught.

2. Pet Shop Boys are gay. That’s fucking Dusty Springfield in there.

Do I even have to caption it?

1. This bitch. Gay. And when I say “gay” I am using the schoolyard version that means “fucking annoying and stupid.” Usually that version of “gay” causes me to roll my eyes but I’m signing off on it for this one.

p.s. I had a “military is gay” listed but then I thought better of it because I don’t want our more sensitive soldiers to take offense and stop defending our freedoms. But they’re not looking to repeal that DADT thingy for nuthin’. Plus, I know a gay corporal. And from what I hear, so is 75% of the others. Yes, that’s an exact researched percentage despite my dyscalculia and lack of brain function.

Tags: Gay