So my friend Madams sent me the link to the blog of Mercede Johnston. Who’s she? She’s the sister of Levi Johnston. Who’s he? He’s the redneck youth who knocked up former vice-presidential candidate/bimbo politico Sarah Palin‘s daughter Bristol. Apparently, Mercede (Madams is funny because he suggested she was named that because Mrs. Johnson thought Mercedes was the plural) hates her twat of a former-girlfriend-in-law and needed to set the record straight. I LOVE when adjunct non-celebrities of sorta-celebrities set the record straight. Oh she’s got a Paypal button on her blog, don’t even disbelieve it, honey.
Reading through Mercede’s blog, I came to the conclusion that she’s just your normal average (gun-toting) young woman from Alaska whose life was swept into a tornado of crap due to her dumbass brother knocking up the governor’s daughter. In the midst of a bid for the vice-president seat by said governor. Who was running on a bullshit family values platform. Whee! Oh, and the governor has a son with Down’s Syndrome whom Mercede says she refers to as “the retarded one.” This is about as shocking as me liking musical theatre. Oh, and yeah, Mercede wants attention but what teen queen doesn’t? Not a day goes by that I’m not showing a beefy thigh to the mailman for a little raised eyebrow and stammering.
Fun Fact: Mercede appeared on Ty Ty Baby’s show along with her bro last year, and the appearance caused Salon to note:
Bristol and Levi’s breakup had much less to do with Bristol and Levi than it had to do with the girl-girl dynamics of the ruptured friendship between Bristol and Mercede.
Levi kinda backed this by saying “”Her and my sister have gotten into some fights. They don’t like each other very much. That’s a big problem with her not letting me come over to the house.”
Anyway, Mercede’s blog is awesome in that she asks herself questions in bold and then answers them as if she’s getting everything straight in her head before slowly typing it on her laptop. Unfortunately, because she knows she could be thrust back in the media eye for it, she neglects to label Bristol Palin a cunt. But you can tell it’s right on the tips of her typing fingers. You hate that bitch! Just say it, Mercede! God, I keep wanting to put an “s” on the end of her name.
Some choice quotes from Mercede’s blog (read these aloud in kind of a bored but authoritative Alaskan teenage girl voice, perhaps with a moose bellowing in the background) -
On her computer being hacked and her local repair shop’s reaction to it:
He said “This has to be someone from the government, perhaps the Secret Service. This is astounding and mind-blowing work”!
I knew from then on my life would never be the same and I was dead on.
On Bristol Palin’s demand that she delete her MySpace account which featured photos of the Palins, to which she conceded by dropping some photos off it:
I also deleted a few pictures of Levi and I out shooting, because guns might offend some people.
Her thoughts on babies:
Well for one thing I am a sucker for babies, I think they are just precious.
On her realization that she especially likes developmentally disabled babies:
It was like a miracle to me. (Also at the time I was dating a guy who had a younger brother with Down syndrome. So I already had a soft spot for children like Trig).
On her love of nicknames:
I call my brother Ishy Bear, and I call my mother Nonny Bear. I just always have.
More compelling info on nicknames:
We are big on nicknames in my family. For instance most of my friends and family call me Sadie BUG. Same concept, just that I prefer “Bear” over “bug”.
On H8ers jacking her and the Palin family’s swagger:
Teen Pregnancy is HUGE here, unfortunately. Every day you find out someone else is expecting. It has most definitely increased since the RNC and I sincerely believe it is because they want the attention, money, and fame that Bristol has received.
This town sounds like a think tank.
On Bristol being a total cooze:
Whenever she would come over she would go straight into his room and would never really engage in conversation with any of us, or have dinner with us. Even if Levi came up and joined us, she would remain downstairs. There was also the time when we all went on a double date to the movies, (Levi with Bristol and me with my boyfriend Crosby) and I was very excited but Bristol barely spoke a word the whole night.
Nothing’s worse than a sulky bitch at the movies.
Demonstrating just how much of a cooze Bristol is:
Why do I think Bristol forbade Levi to talk to me?
Honest to God, I couldn’t answer this question. I have wasted too much of my time trying to figure this out. I have literally racked my brain, and I still do not understand why she dislikes me so much, or how anyone could ask their boyfriend/fiancé to cut their sister out of there life. Especially since at that time my Father had just walked out on us.
She just had to go there with the Dad running off into the tundra with a barmaid, didn’t she?
On the Palins’ ungodly hatred for customary baby rituals:
Did the Palins and my family ever have a bridal or baby shower for Bristol together?
My Mother and I tried to plan a baby shower for Bristol twice, but she didn’t want one. Levi then asked us to stop because Bristol felt that we were “badgering” her. As for a bridal shower, well during that time she did not even allow Levi to talk to me so the answer is no, we did not.
On confirming that Sarah Palin is an ignorant bitch:
Have I ever seen Sarah Palin refer to Trig as the “retarded one”?
No I have not personally heard her use that term, but I do remember my brother twice coming home and telling me about it.
Although, she might have been referring to Levi.
I feel like this blog is going to continue to spew out gems. If we could just get her to the point where she starts posting Photoshopped pictures of Bristol with horns and a beer gut and letting loose with the “die, fat bitch!!!” mean teen directives, it would be blog gold.