All I can think of is flies...
Seriously, I have DESPISED the VMAs since I came of age and realized they are basically a commercial for everyone’s album/movie dropping. I also have this weird anxiety about teleprompter jokes that don’t fly. Like when two glittery morons don’t have comedic timing and try to pull off something witty and it falls to the ground like a tasered vagrant. One year I watched an Asian actress who could not speak English pull a samurai sword on that ratty-looking David Spade and it was so painful, so very painful, that I swore to superglue my thumb to the Mute button whenever I had an awards show on in my home. I hate most celebrities, and I hate their entitled bullshit. They only time I like when celebrities are standing at podiums is if they’re drunk or crazy or high or in the middle of some sort of personality crisis. That’s the kind of thing I can get into, because the camera pans to some of the more uptight celebrities in the audience who look uncomfortable or aghast or jealous. I like when it’s real. Except if they can’t pull off teleprompter jokes.
Oh, and I was watching Jennifer’s Body for the first time last night, and it’s the only time I’ve ever appreciated Megan Fox‘s teenage boy cum magnet game (not Diablo Cody‘s best but Fox can deliver some snark, who knew?) and my brother called me. He obviously (I hope) didn’t have to work today because homegirl drunk-dialed my ass and started slurring something about Lady GaGa and roadkill and I’m like what?
And he’s like “the fucking VMAs dude fucking roadkill Lady GaGa fucking roadkill are you fucking kidding me? Dude, dude, dude, *drunken cackle* fucking roadkill dude!” I asked him, even though I already knew, if he was drunk and he’s like “what? what? oh I mean yeah I’m drinking, man” and Fucko KNOWS I hate when he’s drunk dialing me. I hate talking on the phone anyway, and it’s worse when the person calling you is ridic and out of his mind on what I would guess were several hundred Twisted Teas and a bowl. So I told him bye and clicked off. Not in a bitchy way, but he knows me! So I get this text message:
“So sorry I’m just trying to be fun have fun asshole”
So that was my VMAs experience this year.
September 13, 2010 at 5:21 pm |
I hate to be “that guy” who repeats all the catchy phrases from a blog entry, but you’ve forced me to. “Tasered vagrant” is … simply … brilliant.
September 13, 2010 at 5:23 pm |
Lynne – thanks for all of your kind words about my blog. It’s a big deal to me that I have readers. Thank you.
September 13, 2010 at 5:36 pm |
I have boycotted the VMAs since Kelly Osborne and Avril Lavigne f’d up the surprise Video Vanguard presentation to Duran Duran. C- list celebutards with awkward teleprompting and bad stage direction. Duran Duran deserved so much more than that mess.
September 13, 2010 at 6:42 pm |
hahaha roadkill. Lady Gaga…what an unshocking douche. It’s like when the 9V fell out of my mom’s Summer’s Eve. What a fucked up day at the beach that was.
September 13, 2010 at 7:23 pm |
you love me and you know it
September 13, 2010 at 8:13 pm |
That text message is the perfect clincher. I was at the gym and choked on my water hahaha.
September 14, 2010 at 2:04 am |
J. Harvey, look, you underrated blogger you. You rock. I’m not saying this to curry favor, or any other sort of flame blower crap. Once upon a time I read SocialiteLife (or whatever site that was) for your cutting, funny, and edgy reviews, and once you were gone, so was I. Reading that site now is akin to eating plain flavored oatmeal.
I guess my point is that I’ve followed you for a few years, and you have only gotten better. Please believe that you’re one of the best out there, and keep up your work.
September 14, 2010 at 9:08 am |
which brother…was it the one I winked at on match.com? if so….glad I dodged that bullet! (although i was drinking twisted teas Sunday night also…not watching the vmas…watching true blood!)
September 14, 2010 at 9:15 am |
I’m with Lynne, I too read SocialiteLife for your amusing snark. I ditched that bitch when you jumped ship and tracked you down online. The VMA’s suck, dating back to when Howard Stern pulled the whole Fart Man thing. Like you, I have a sibling that drunk dials my ass. She’s fucking hilarious when she’s drinking and I lose my sense of humor, apparently. If only we could mute everything….
September 14, 2010 at 10:07 am |
J. Harvey, this entry – as usual – is pure fucking gold. Thank you.
“Not in a bitchy way, but he knows me!”
So awesome.
September 14, 2010 at 10:19 am |
Yes! J. Harvey, thank you for at least mentioning it. I figured you’d make me laugh with some reference to the VMAs and I was not disappointed. Woohoo!
The hubby and I got tricked into watching the first 25 minutes by the step kid (she’s so young and dumb) and then we ran out of the room the moment we got a chance. It was horrific to watch, and I was even more horrified that once upon a time I thought this was the show to end all shows.
Sigh.
J. Harvey, you’re awesome. Like other commentors, I, too, used to read SocialiteLife just for you. Since you’ve left I dropped that site like a cold, rotted potato. Without you, it’s just a bunch of random ass bloggers trying to be funny with curses or sucking up.
Thank you for this blog
September 14, 2010 at 1:27 pm |
Apparently I’ve been swapping online personalities and making comments on your site as Lynne, Peppermint, etc. Because what they wrote is exactly my situation. I’m so glad I found you again. sniffle
September 14, 2010 at 2:46 pm |
It was “*drunken cackle*” that made me snort!
See, we all love you, J! SL is now written by 11 year olds. The entries there are so riddled with typos and bad grammar…even if one can get past that, they aren’t funny…
September 15, 2010 at 2:07 pm |
Jaser, your blog sucks and your asshole looks like a tennis racket that Bigfoot and Donkey Kong dp’d. Plus, you have shitstains on your wiener.