Seriously, I have DESPISED the VMAs since I came of age and realized they are basically a commercial for everyone’s album/movie dropping. I also have this weird anxiety about teleprompter jokes that don’t fly. Like when two glittery morons don’t have comedic timing and try to pull off something witty and it falls to the ground like a tasered vagrant. One year I watched an Asian actress who could not speak English pull a samurai sword on that ratty-looking David Spade and it was so painful, so very painful, that I swore to superglue my thumb to the Mute button whenever I had an awards show on in my home. I hate most celebrities, and I hate their entitled bullshit. They only time I like when celebrities are standing at podiums is if they’re drunk or crazy or high or in the middle of some sort of personality crisis. That’s the kind of thing I can get into, because the camera pans to some of the more uptight celebrities in the audience who look uncomfortable or aghast or jealous. I like when it’s real. Except if they can’t pull off teleprompter jokes.
Oh, and I was watching Jennifer’s Body for the first time last night, and it’s the only time I’ve ever appreciated Megan Fox‘s teenage boy cum magnet game (not Diablo Cody‘s best but Fox can deliver some snark, who knew?) and my brother called me. He obviously (I hope) didn’t have to work today because homegirl drunk-dialed my ass and started slurring something about Lady GaGa and roadkill and I’m like what?
And he’s like “the fucking VMAs dude fucking roadkill Lady GaGa fucking roadkill are you fucking kidding me? Dude, dude, dude, *drunken cackle* fucking roadkill dude!” I asked him, even though I already knew, if he was drunk and he’s like “what? what? oh I mean yeah I’m drinking, man” and Fucko KNOWS I hate when he’s drunk dialing me. I hate talking on the phone anyway, and it’s worse when the person calling you is ridic and out of his mind on what I would guess were several hundred Twisted Teas and a bowl. So I told him bye and clicked off. Not in a bitchy way, but he knows me! So I get this text message:
“So sorry I’m just trying to be fun have fun asshole”
So that was my VMAs experience this year.