I’m Going To Gay For A Second: The Mildred Pierce Remake

She better have the DOUBLE SLAP down...

Here’s the trailer for director Todd Haynes‘ remake of the classic Mildred Pierce. As opposed to a two-hour journey of dramatic sacrifice and shrewery, it’s going to be a five part miniseries adapting the novel (more closely than the original film I suppose) for HBO. Weird. Kate Winslet is stepping into Joan Crawford‘s very famous role, and Sophie-Anne the vampire queen of Louisiana is Veda Pearce, Mildred’s daughter who puts the “face” in “bitchface.” I don’t know what that means but I’m fraught with concern that this mini-series will wreck the movie for me.

The original is rad. I was never one to watch classic flicks. I can name on one hand the amount of black & whites I’ve ever enjoyed – Psycho, A Patch of Blue, the beginning of Oz, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf…see? But then my friend Joe threw a couple of get-togethers in which he ran old-school flicks that everyone should see. The ones that made a real impression on me were the one with the scary senior citizen lady governess who was lezzin’ for the dead wife and scarin’ the pants off the new one (I believe she showed off the dead ladies’ squirrel covers?) and Mildred Pierce. Mainly because it didn’t matter that it was black and white. Joan (who in real life was a big fucking mess) was MELODRAMA. Sacrificing herself for a BITCH daughter who hates that its her mom’s waitress job keeping them afloat and still gives her the business even when Mom opens Mildred’s theme restaurants all across Cali because Mom is still “common” and Veda has tentacles coming out of her because she’s from the 13th portcullis of Hades and then Mildred has had ENOUGH and you’ve heard of the double clap (?) well, Mildred hands Veda a DOUBLE SLAP because bitch keeps fixing her mouth to say hainty things.

Witness:

Despite the DOUBLE SLAP, Veda gets on the man Millie married to improve her social standing in Veda’s eyes and then someone gets shot and I’ve spoiled you enough on this film classic. It’s just…really, really good. It’s hardcore. And by that I mean the real deal, the big eyes and the 40s hair and all the sexy subtext and Joan’s infinite patience and pluck as our beleaguered heroine Mill. I know Kate can make this her own because she’s the shit and its Todd Haynes who made Velvet Goldmine. And I mean, Velvet Goldmine.

I have my doubts about Evan Rachel Wood. She turned the vampire queen who could have been glamorous and deadly into a minor character from Dynasty. And not even Joan or Linda…we’re talkin’ Stephanie Beachum. Your veil and poodleless skirt are overpowering your acting, Evan.

I assume this is going to be a whole different animal and won’t sully Joan’s memory at all. I mean, more sullied than a child-abusing alcoholic already has been by her vengeful daughter. Did mother have the last laugh? Did she?

This post has been brought to you by the letter GAY. DOUBLE SLAP!

In Celebration Of Robbie Williams’ “Marriage”

Not the bride...

I added those quotes because apparently everyone thinks Robbie is strictly dickly and doing that thing that flaming queens (shut up) do where they “kee kee” behind their hands at the delusion. Robbie Williams is gay?!? How did I miss this? I have long been a fan of the puppy-faced wacky depressed druggie British Lothario and I never once got a shiver of queer from him. What does this say about me? Do I NEED men to be straight so I keep my self-defeating run of crushing on straight morons intact? I need to get to a therapist when I’m denying hot guys are gay! I need to turn inward and explore this crevasse in my psyche.

Oh, so Robbie Williams married some actress named Ayda Field (sounds like a drag name…just sayin’) over the weekend and we give em’ about two months until he’s back at The Abbey in a baseball cap and sunglasses and looking for a right rogering in his arse area.

p.s. Here’s the video for “Rock DJ” which is my favorite Robbie song, and includes him flailing about in bikini briefs, and then skinning himself. Hot. The briefs I mean. What am I – Lorena from True Blood?

Antoine Dodson Looks To The Future

Some douche decided to “rape errybody out heah” (aka the Lincoln Park projects in Huntsville, Alabama) and Antoine Dodson and his beautiful sister were on hand to halt the assailant who is “snatchin’ people out their beds.” Antoine has become a touchstone of mine, someone I wish I could turn to for comfort and wisdom, rosemary and thyme.

He’s also become a viral sensation, and the news team that delivered him to us like a gentle kiss on the lips went back to ask Antoine about what his future holds. I love this guy. I also love that he’s going to kick the shit out of the would-be rapist and blow up 911′s cell at the same time. Probably while still holding that baby. This needs to be a movie.

Watch This: Antoine Dodson WILL Take A Snatch Out Of Crime

The streets of Huntsville, Alabama WILL be cleaned of criminal elements, y’all! Feast upon this blessed business. Antoine Dodson helped his sister beat off a rapist, and then he and sis took to the cameras to inform Mr. Sinister that grossness like that will not be tolerated. This is what Kick-Ass shoulda been (with the exception of Hit Girl, she should be in everything). Screw the green bodysuit, all you need to fend off evil-doers is a do-rag, a popped hip, and some shade. PRANCE, Antoine, PRANCE. Ganked from Crunk & Disorderly.

p.s. It gets better. Antoine’s sister knows she’s pretty, thank you, but she didn’t need some fool climbing up in her window in the LP. Thanks.

The Real Highlight Of This Debbie Gibson/Tiffany Catfight is The Hot Piece In The Deputy Uniform

gatoroid, posted with vodpod

Bitch, please. I have the same reaction to Teri Hatcher too, Kathyrn. You just want to club her like a seal.

The above footage are outtakes from a cat scratch fever brawl between TIFFANY and MUTHATRUCKIN’ DEBBIE GIBSON on the set of Scorcese’s Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Pies, cleavage, Tiffany’s now juicy juice ass and plastic champagne sippy glasses from Izzaparty (there’s a LOT of financial backing behind this SyFy masterpiece) go flying in all directions. Homegirls end up wet in a swamp (because of the swamp, this is a family film) but the real deal is that broad with the shocked expression on her face representin’ the popo! Mrs. McCluskey, I see you!

That’s hot character actress Kathryn Joosten, who plays the evil (and by “evil” I mean “the only reason to watch that show since they killed Edie”) neighbor to Felicity Huffman on Desperate Housewives. I know they sorta hint that she has a heart of gold, but I used to love to watch her scare children and irritate the yentas up on Wisteria Lane. I often wanted her to cuff Teri Hatcher one in the Botox. Just on principle.

Ms. Joosten needs to pay that condo note, so she will appear in a whole bunch of silly shit. And bring class to every occasion!

So not only is this shit going to have bad CGI, dueling 80s pop queens in bad prom dresses from Cache’s 1992 collection, and what I pray will be softcore porn actresses in bikinis being chomped on by radioactive animals…but Karen McCluskey is the sherrif! She’s the sherrif. My DVR is going to give me oral out of gratitude!

Watch This: I Never Understood The Meaning Of “Werk” Until I Saw This…

I am comfortable enough with my sexuality to cross all gender/economic/background lines and say that as a white man from the Boston suburbs, I can fully fucking appreciate a good vogueing battle. Let’s respect the humor and the artistry of this culture. And the moves! And you need to watch this video at least up until :28 because the tornado in the glossy red wig pulls off a move that sets FIYAHS! If I wasn’t fat and incredibly unlimber, whenever someone gave me shit I would just bust that out and walk off. BREAK OUT.

p.s. I am incredibly sad that they took Paris is Burning off YouTube. Because when bored, I used to watch all 8,000 chapters. “Shake the dice and steal the rice!” “I wanted to be Miz Lena Horne.” “What is wrong with you, Pedro? Are you going through it? You’re going through some kind of psychological change in your life?”

Did you know they found a DEAD BODY in Dorian Corey‘s apartment after the ladyman passed away? Mama had shot the guy and hid the body for years. These other bitches don’t know what fierce is, because that woman offed a guy and hid the body for centuries. That’s fierce. They should have a murder and corpse concealment event at every drag competition.

p.p.s. Drag U! Tomorrow night!

I Love This F*cking Song!: “Bang Bang Bang” – Mark Ronson & The Business Intl.

I feel it too.

I admit it, when Q-Tip blew in, I screamed like a Bieber Fevah girl! Q has pretty much improved every single song of the 20th and 21st century! Exhibit #A and Exhibit #B. Anyway, this vid has been out for awhile but the single just went up on iTunes and I think I’ve listened to it on repeat about 20 jillion times. It’s the oddly (I’m usually into linebackers) sexy Mark Ronson‘s first single off the upcoming Record Collection, “Bang Bang Bang.” You need to get INTO this. Ronson is cool but looking all relaxed about it which makes me want to do dirty things for backstage passes. And that chick with the white frames with the deflated beehive and gaucho pants! Amanda Warner aka MNDR? Do you want to come over to my place for wine coolers and UNO, love? Then we can watch Adventures in Babysitting?

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson To Fight Giant Snakes and Alligators

Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

The Hollywood Reporter has their finger on the pulse of my need to know about whatever Debbie (eff that “Deborah” shite) and Tiffany are doing at any given moment, so they really gifted me with this one. Hot on the heels of Debbie’s triumphant turn in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, SyFy has announced that she will now star opposite her chief rival for 80s relevancy in Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Ohmygod, I love life.

And not only that, but the bitches will be duking it out in a catfight. IN A SWAMP! Is Tiffany playing Gatoroid?

Gibson will play a fanatical animal-rights activist who frees illegally imported exotic snakes from pet stores, sending them into the Everglades, where they grow to mega sizes. Tiffany will play an overzealous park ranger who uses dangerous methods to save endangered alligators.

In the script, the pair brawl at a party, then take matters outside into the swamp.

Fuck, what wasn’t I invited to that damn party? The party of the century! And I love how Debbie is playing a stupid character who releases snakes that grow to epic proportions because the water is….irradiated? Well, there is a big friggin’ oil spill currently ruining our ecosystem, and the lives of several thousand people, fish and fowl so why not? BP is going to be SCREWED when a giant water moccasin attacks their world headquarters. Dumb bitches.

Anyway, the girls are thrilled to be working again even if it’s an a giant monster movie with crap CGI for basic cable. Please, Tiffany just finished her last Hot Pocket and those things don’t grow on trees!

“I know that pop culture fanatics have been dying for Tiffany and me to collaborate for the past 24 years!” said Gibson in a statement. “What better way to do it than by battling each other in a campy romp through the Everglades?”

“Only in my dreams have I been able to have a catfight with Debbie Gibson…until now!” Tiffany said. “This is soo MEGA cool!”

I was going to award Debbie the medal for best pre-filming quote when she rightly noted this is “campy,” but then Tiffany had to go and use a Debbie Gibson song title basically insuring herself the win. Kudos, Tiff.

p.s. And if you want to see how awesome(ly bad) this project could be, check out Debbie giving her finest actress skillz in her previous project. When the shark eats the Golden Gate Bridge, I come alive inside.

I Love You, Pam.

Watching the True Blood season premiere this morning (I was FAR too wretched from this weekend’s Boston Shame festivities to watch it last night), I realized that one of the biggest draws of this show is this one. She’s that bitch, if you know what I’m saying.

The many faces of Pam. Glam Pam.

Robyn Is Totally Giving Me Madonna “Borderline” 80s Tiffany Dancing By A Train Track Jennifer Beals Vibe Here

Beam me up to pop glory, Robyn.

This summer just keeps getting gayer. Not only were we entranced by Kylie‘s new bonin’ bodies skyscraper this week, but now Robyn has released the vid for her new single “Dancing On My Own.” The song has been sending me places since I heard it on Pitchfork, but it’s finally purchaseable and now the video. Check this video!

It’s not high concept at all. In fact, I think the smoke machines and flashing party strobes from Spencer’s Gifts were the most expensive thing on set. But I’m loving the innocent feel of the whole thing. Flashdance- sweatshirted Oona from Legend looking Robyn is up in the club in Iceland or Norway somewhere, and notes that the guy she pines for is making time with some other chick on the dancefloor. And then everyone is making out but her! Aghast! So what does Robyn do? Sing to us about it, and then fist pump her way to singular dancing glory. IN THE CORNER, like the chorus says. Whirling around in the red light and then miming making out with someone else in the corner as well. Well, the non red-lit corner.

This video takes me back. I swear she’s wearing Jordache when she exits at the end. This would have been an MTV staple back when MTV had staples and not dirty people fucking in hot tubs.

And for more Robyn thrills, here she is whirling and twirling on some Norweigan Top of the Pops mess performing “Fembot” which Scotty hates but I do the robot to it in the shower. She’s dressed like Anna Madrigal’s houseplant or the Ropers’ daughter who is after Jack but so be it. I wish my system was in mint condition too, Robyn. I’m way into your keyboardist/autotune dude.