I’m Going To Gay For A Second: The Mildred Pierce Remake

She better have the DOUBLE SLAP down...

Here’s the trailer for director Todd Haynes‘ remake of the classic Mildred Pierce. As opposed to a two-hour journey of dramatic sacrifice and shrewery, it’s going to be a five part miniseries adapting the novel (more closely than the original film I suppose) for HBO. Weird. Kate Winslet is stepping into Joan Crawford‘s very famous role, and Sophie-Anne the vampire queen of Louisiana is Veda Pearce, Mildred’s daughter who puts the “face” in “bitchface.” I don’t know what that means but I’m fraught with concern that this mini-series will wreck the movie for me.

The original is rad. I was never one to watch classic flicks. I can name on one hand the amount of black & whites I’ve ever enjoyed – Psycho, A Patch of Blue, the beginning of Oz, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf…see? But then my friend Joe threw a couple of get-togethers in which he ran old-school flicks that everyone should see. The ones that made a real impression on me were the one with the scary senior citizen lady governess who was lezzin’ for the dead wife and scarin’ the pants off the new one (I believe she showed off the dead ladies’ squirrel covers?) and Mildred Pierce. Mainly because it didn’t matter that it was black and white. Joan (who in real life was a big fucking mess) was MELODRAMA. Sacrificing herself for a BITCH daughter who hates that its her mom’s waitress job keeping them afloat and still gives her the business even when Mom opens Mildred’s theme restaurants all across Cali because Mom is still “common” and Veda has tentacles coming out of her because she’s from the 13th portcullis of Hades and then Mildred has had ENOUGH and you’ve heard of the double clap (?) well, Mildred hands Veda a DOUBLE SLAP because bitch keeps fixing her mouth to say hainty things.

Witness:

Despite the DOUBLE SLAP, Veda gets on the man Millie married to improve her social standing in Veda’s eyes and then someone gets shot and I’ve spoiled you enough on this film classic. It’s just…really, really good. It’s hardcore. And by that I mean the real deal, the big eyes and the 40s hair and all the sexy subtext and Joan’s infinite patience and pluck as our beleaguered heroine Mill. I know Kate can make this her own because she’s the shit and its Todd Haynes who made Velvet Goldmine. And I mean, Velvet Goldmine.

I have my doubts about Evan Rachel Wood. She turned the vampire queen who could have been glamorous and deadly into a minor character from Dynasty. And not even Joan or Linda…we’re talkin’ Stephanie Beachum. Your veil and poodleless skirt are overpowering your acting, Evan.

I assume this is going to be a whole different animal and won’t sully Joan’s memory at all. I mean, more sullied than a child-abusing alcoholic already has been by her vengeful daughter. Did mother have the last laugh? Did she?

This post has been brought to you by the letter GAY. DOUBLE SLAP!

How Does 9-Year-Old Willow Smith Have A Single And I Am Carrying A Bologna Sandwich To Work?

She's 9. I think she tried to kill James Bond.

So here’s Willow Smith‘s hot track “Whip My Hair”. She’s the 9-year-old daughter of superstar Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith. Willow has an incredibly obnoxious brother Jaden (wait, check this photo, how obnoxious is he?)

Throwing up the deuces? You practically just came out of your mom. Settle down.

who was so annoying in The Day The Earth Stood Still that I wanted to reach through the TV and alarm DSS. The Smith family are always together on the red carpet, and the kids are always in edgy outfits despite being kids. I hate that. I had boogers at that age.

Will is one of those guys that there are gay rumors about but I tend to think he turns to dudes only because sex with Jada looks like it might be painful, like humping up on a large concrete hexagon. She just looks like she has a lot of edges. Ow.

When you’re 9 and fabulously wealthy, you get to cut hot singles in the studio about whipping your hair. It makes me a little uneasy. I don’t think a 9 year old should be whipping her hair about. I think I saw Morgan McMichaels showing a rotund housewife how to do that so she can reclaim the sexy fire in her life on Rupaul’s Drag U. Little girls don’t need to be anywhere near sexy fire. They need to wait until they’re at least 30. Doesn’t she have dolls? Why is someone auto-tuning a 9-year-old?

Imagine you’re the producer and you have to bow down to this little girl in the studio. “I want a sound like when unicorns booty dance. WHERE IS MY CAPRI SUN?”

What about Yo Gabba Gabba and blankies *sad face*? The lyrics sound fairly clean, but who at 9 has the drive to go running around with her little gal pals and giving face and acting like they are grown-up fierce ladies, and being the terror at the food court? Who am I kidding? They all do.

Also, her music has one up on her mom’s. Cause Jada is a big dykie Korn fan or some shit.

I’m Not Sure How I Feel About Demi Moore’s Dancing Ability

Here’s Demi Moore trying to sex up Snoop Dogg‘s recent Las Vegas show with a lot of hair flipping. Ashton knows he’s out of his normally braying attention whoring goofy ass goof depth so he sits his glom ass down. I had seen some commentary on this clip that indicated Demi hasn’t been friended by rhythm on Facebook as of yet. She’s…ok? She tries? I’ve seen worse. You know when a girl REALLY likes fast dancing but comes at you in a manner in which you fear she is going to remove some of your teeth with the way she’s whipping her hands about and bobbing her head like a chicken on speed? But hey, she’s trying. Demi isn’t that bad. She is sorta relying on her hair a lot though. She’s letting her hair speak for her. Whip Whip. Girls who can’t dance that well also tend to disguise it by plunging their hands into their hair and tousling it around like a stripper. And then they usually follow it up with a sexy kick and a scrunchy faced “I’m sassy!” look. I would, too. It’s nice hair. Ashton sucks.

In Celebration Of Robbie Williams’ “Marriage”

Not the bride...

I added those quotes because apparently everyone thinks Robbie is strictly dickly and doing that thing that flaming queens (shut up) do where they “kee kee” behind their hands at the delusion. Robbie Williams is gay?!? How did I miss this? I have long been a fan of the puppy-faced wacky depressed druggie British Lothario and I never once got a shiver of queer from him. What does this say about me? Do I NEED men to be straight so I keep my self-defeating run of crushing on straight morons intact? I need to get to a therapist when I’m denying hot guys are gay! I need to turn inward and explore this crevasse in my psyche.

Oh, so Robbie Williams married some actress named Ayda Field (sounds like a drag name…just sayin’) over the weekend and we give em’ about two months until he’s back at The Abbey in a baseball cap and sunglasses and looking for a right rogering in his arse area.

p.s. Here’s the video for “Rock DJ” which is my favorite Robbie song, and includes him flailing about in bikini briefs, and then skinning himself. Hot. The briefs I mean. What am I – Lorena from True Blood?

Antoine Dodson Looks To The Future

Some douche decided to “rape errybody out heah” (aka the Lincoln Park projects in Huntsville, Alabama) and Antoine Dodson and his beautiful sister were on hand to halt the assailant who is “snatchin’ people out their beds.” Antoine has become a touchstone of mine, someone I wish I could turn to for comfort and wisdom, rosemary and thyme.

He’s also become a viral sensation, and the news team that delivered him to us like a gentle kiss on the lips went back to ask Antoine about what his future holds. I love this guy. I also love that he’s going to kick the shit out of the would-be rapist and blow up 911′s cell at the same time. Probably while still holding that baby. This needs to be a movie.

The Real Highlight Of This Debbie Gibson/Tiffany Catfight is The Hot Piece In The Deputy Uniform

gatoroid, posted with vodpod

Bitch, please. I have the same reaction to Teri Hatcher too, Kathyrn. You just want to club her like a seal.

The above footage are outtakes from a cat scratch fever brawl between TIFFANY and MUTHATRUCKIN’ DEBBIE GIBSON on the set of Scorcese’s Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Pies, cleavage, Tiffany’s now juicy juice ass and plastic champagne sippy glasses from Izzaparty (there’s a LOT of financial backing behind this SyFy masterpiece) go flying in all directions. Homegirls end up wet in a swamp (because of the swamp, this is a family film) but the real deal is that broad with the shocked expression on her face representin’ the popo! Mrs. McCluskey, I see you!

That’s hot character actress Kathryn Joosten, who plays the evil (and by “evil” I mean “the only reason to watch that show since they killed Edie”) neighbor to Felicity Huffman on Desperate Housewives. I know they sorta hint that she has a heart of gold, but I used to love to watch her scare children and irritate the yentas up on Wisteria Lane. I often wanted her to cuff Teri Hatcher one in the Botox. Just on principle.

Ms. Joosten needs to pay that condo note, so she will appear in a whole bunch of silly shit. And bring class to every occasion!

So not only is this shit going to have bad CGI, dueling 80s pop queens in bad prom dresses from Cache’s 1992 collection, and what I pray will be softcore porn actresses in bikinis being chomped on by radioactive animals…but Karen McCluskey is the sherrif! She’s the sherrif. My DVR is going to give me oral out of gratitude!

Watch This: I Never Understood The Meaning Of “Werk” Until I Saw This…

I am comfortable enough with my sexuality to cross all gender/economic/background lines and say that as a white man from the Boston suburbs, I can fully fucking appreciate a good vogueing battle. Let’s respect the humor and the artistry of this culture. And the moves! And you need to watch this video at least up until :28 because the tornado in the glossy red wig pulls off a move that sets FIYAHS! If I wasn’t fat and incredibly unlimber, whenever someone gave me shit I would just bust that out and walk off. BREAK OUT.

p.s. I am incredibly sad that they took Paris is Burning off YouTube. Because when bored, I used to watch all 8,000 chapters. “Shake the dice and steal the rice!” “I wanted to be Miz Lena Horne.” “What is wrong with you, Pedro? Are you going through it? You’re going through some kind of psychological change in your life?”

Did you know they found a DEAD BODY in Dorian Corey‘s apartment after the ladyman passed away? Mama had shot the guy and hid the body for years. These other bitches don’t know what fierce is, because that woman offed a guy and hid the body for centuries. That’s fierce. They should have a murder and corpse concealment event at every drag competition.

p.p.s. Drag U! Tomorrow night!

Chris Brown Had Better Sob!

The BET Awards were held last night, and Chris Brown was responsible for the Michael Jackson tribute (he died a year ago around this time). They couldn’t get Usher? At least Usher didn’t punch a lady about the head and shoulders. That we know of. Sure, Usher is an annoying twat but he didn’t try to launch a album on the heels of a domestic abuse charge, either. And Usher can dance! Sorta. He does a lot of kinda sluggish popping and locking and a couple of steps, usually down stairs that light up. Seriously, shoulda gone with Usher.

Oh, and the gist of this post is that Bust-her Brown got all choked up during his tribute and couldn’t finish singing “Man in the Mirror.” I’d get weepy, too, if I had Ike Turnered my girlfriend and everyone found out about it and my career did that thing that dirgible did back in the 1800s when the announcer was screaming and it just BLEW UP and not in a good way. And then had to look in a mirror.

(Sorry, the video is such a suckjob, but BET is being hainty about the rights.)

He was so tearstricken that he reportedly had to be led off the stage by Jermaine Jackson. So the debate is on as to whether he was really touched by an angel known as MJ or staging the emotional flash flood to get the public back on his side. I am one cynical bitch, so I’m going to say he’s crying because of all the bits of green paper that are currently flying out of his windows.

To get over this farce, we need to pray over the outfit Prince wore to the show last night. It will fill you up and put you firmly on the path you need to be on. Because someone needs to wear a spaceship turtleneck with their own likeness emblazoned about it. And his name is Prince. And he is funky.

Girlfriend is lookin' like Malificent and the Grinch had a baby lately...

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson To Fight Giant Snakes and Alligators

Debbie seems to have won the preservation contest, huh?

This is what Google Images gives you when you ask for a python and an alligator. So Tiff and Deb will be fighting this. But bigger?

The Hollywood Reporter has their finger on the pulse of my need to know about whatever Debbie (eff that “Deborah” shite) and Tiffany are doing at any given moment, so they really gifted me with this one. Hot on the heels of Debbie’s triumphant turn in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, SyFy has announced that she will now star opposite her chief rival for 80s relevancy in Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid. Ohmygod, I love life.

And not only that, but the bitches will be duking it out in a catfight. IN A SWAMP! Is Tiffany playing Gatoroid?

Gibson will play a fanatical animal-rights activist who frees illegally imported exotic snakes from pet stores, sending them into the Everglades, where they grow to mega sizes. Tiffany will play an overzealous park ranger who uses dangerous methods to save endangered alligators.

In the script, the pair brawl at a party, then take matters outside into the swamp.

Fuck, what wasn’t I invited to that damn party? The party of the century! And I love how Debbie is playing a stupid character who releases snakes that grow to epic proportions because the water is….irradiated? Well, there is a big friggin’ oil spill currently ruining our ecosystem, and the lives of several thousand people, fish and fowl so why not? BP is going to be SCREWED when a giant water moccasin attacks their world headquarters. Dumb bitches.

Anyway, the girls are thrilled to be working again even if it’s an a giant monster movie with crap CGI for basic cable. Please, Tiffany just finished her last Hot Pocket and those things don’t grow on trees!

“I know that pop culture fanatics have been dying for Tiffany and me to collaborate for the past 24 years!” said Gibson in a statement. “What better way to do it than by battling each other in a campy romp through the Everglades?”

“Only in my dreams have I been able to have a catfight with Debbie Gibson…until now!” Tiffany said. “This is soo MEGA cool!”

I was going to award Debbie the medal for best pre-filming quote when she rightly noted this is “campy,” but then Tiffany had to go and use a Debbie Gibson song title basically insuring herself the win. Kudos, Tiff.

p.s. And if you want to see how awesome(ly bad) this project could be, check out Debbie giving her finest actress skillz in her previous project. When the shark eats the Golden Gate Bridge, I come alive inside.

Gone Too Soon: An Amanda Bynes Career Retrospective

Is it REALLY a coup to look like a kumquat? Really?

No, Penny Pingleton ain’t dead. But she did launch a thousand screaming sobs and God-cursing dives onto the coffin when she recently Twittered that she has left acting for good. Amanda Bynes, star of…that show with Kelly Taylor from 90210, and didn’t she have some sort of comedy thing on Nickelodeon when she was little…and uh, I think she foolishly re-did that awesome 80s movie where the girl poses as a dude in high school to like, uncover sexism (cuz’ no one noticed it before) and falls in love with the rebel. *tentatively* That was it, right? I mean it’s Amanda fucking Bynes. It’s not like Vanessa Redgrave has tapped out here. Oh, and she played Penny Pingleton. Mandy, no!

I’ve never written the movies & tv shows I’ve been apart of I’ve only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play
6:58 AM Jun 19th via web

Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem
6:59 AM Jun 19th via web

If I don’t love something anymore I stop doing it
7:47 AM Jun 19th via web

I don’t love acting anymore so I’ve stopped doing it
7:48 AM Jun 19th via web

I know 24 is a young age to retire but you heard it here first I’ve #retired
7:50 AM Jun 19th via web

Well, that’s it folks. Bynes out. You know Amanda doesn’t….wait…wow….jesus christ, look at that pic. That bitch is ORANGE. Remember back in the Marie Antoinette era when women wanted to be as pale as possible because it meant they didn’t work out in the fields? That script got flipped, huh?

For more of Amanda’s performing prowess, fast forward to 1:15. Uta Hagen herself couldn’t have gotten more emphasis out of “SeeWUHED!”